Violin Jokes - Q&A and Regular Violin Jokes

Question and Answer Jokes about violins:

- What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
- There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

- How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
- The dog knows when to stop scratching.

- What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
- No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

And some regular violin jokes:

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

Joke of the Day - Irish Jokes - Robotic Barman

A popular bar has a new robotic barman installed.
A guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man replies: "130."
So the robot goes on to make conversation about physics, astronomy and so on.
The man listens intently and thinks: "This is really cool."
Another guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man response: "100." So the robot starts talking about TV, the weather and so on.
The man thinks to himself: "Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy comes into the bar. As with the others the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man replies: "80."
The robot says: "So, how are West Ham doing these days?"

Irish Jokes - Alcohol Irish Jokes

Alcohol Irish Joke 1

Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.
'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy.
'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'
'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

Alcohol Irish Joke 1

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily:
'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

Joke of the Day - What is your wife's name? - Lawyer Joke

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven."
Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler."
I was a good father," he answers."
Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

Funny Attorney Commercial - Lawyer Jokes

This is one bad lawyer commercial but it is also quite funny, especially the pictures at the beginning:

You are a Lawyer if - Lawyer Joke

You Might Be A Lawyer If....
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

When you Know that you Need a new lawyer - Lawyer joke

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1) Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.

2) When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
3) Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
4) Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

Joke of the Day - Politics in a BAR

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

Ray Owens Joke of The Day

The Ray Owens Joke of the Day website is one you might want to visit. Today's feature joke is: "The Top 15 Signs You've Lived With a Mathematician Too Long"

His cute habit of converting every number to base seven is really starting to annoy you, because he insists on doing it 33 hours a day, 10 days a week!

He has his graduate students working on reconciling your irreconcilable differences.

The first thing you think of when you see her bend over is isosceles.

Ask him how much he loves you and he responds, "Ok...assuming that love can be expressed as a derivative of existence, which we'll call 'Z', and desire is a convergence subset of physical beauty in the Heisenberg 'observ

During sex, all she does is complain about the "dynamic coefficient of friction."

You only celebrate Fibonacci sequence anniversaries.

You wanted a really bad-ass tattoo, and were momentarily torn between a bleeding skull and a portrait of Gauss.

Your husband unexpectedly comes home early from work and enters your bedroom just in time to see a man run into the closet; when he opens it, two men dash for the front door, knocking him over. He looks at you and says, "You know, if I were to enter the closet now, it would be empty again."

He almost has you convinced that the more negatives in your relationship, the greater the absolute value.

"If you shut off your spreadsheets at 1:30 AM heading towards the bedroom at 5 MPH, and I've gone to sleep at 12:00 AM after another session with my vibrator, what are the odds that you're getting any?"

When you ask where he's been all night, he refers you to the previous excuse which has already been accepted as a proof.

Every time you talk about your ex, your lover feels compelled to solve him.

Using only the Transitive Property, the Corresponding Angles Postulate, the Angle Addition Assumption, and the Angle Congruence Theorem, you're pretty sure you've successfully argued yourself into a three-way.

During a romantic candlelight dinner, you accept his polynomial ring.

You went along with naming the kids Euclid, Archimedes, and Newton, but there's no way in hell you're going to yell for a dog named "Immanuel Fuchs."

Visit the Ray Owens Joke of the Day Web Site by Clicking HERE

Joke of the Day - President Bush and Sex

Much has already been published about the sexual preferences and notorious behavior of former President Clinton.

However, little has been reported on the sexual practices of the current Commander-in-Chief. It has recently been learned that the President and Mrs. Bush only make love with Laura Bush on top since George W. Bush can only f**k up.

Joke of the Day - WIll he Jump? Blonde Joke

Our joke of the Day today is a Blonde joke:

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Square Dance jokes

Square Dance Joke 1:

How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eight. Square dancers do everything in groups of eight!

Square Dance Joke 2:

THE NEW SQUARE DANCE

Up With The Petticoat,
Down With The Pants.
In With The Pecker,
Everybody Dance.

Girls With Rags On,
Up Against The Walls.
Guys With A Hard On,
Promenade The Halls.

Girls Grab Your Partners
Firmly By The Balls.
Drag Him Down The
Length Of The Halls.

Make Him Holler,
Make Him Shout.
Put Your Pretty Ass
Up Against His Snout

First Lady Go
Second Lady Pass
Third Lady's Finger
Up The Fourth Guy's Ass

Finger Out
Promenade The Halls
Now Release The
Poor Guy's Balls

Then Down With The Petticoat
Up With The Pants
This Is The End Of
The New Square Dance!

Joke of the Day - How Many Sheeps do I Have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked,
"if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try.
"Your a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

Looking Good Joke

This was labeled as a looking good joke and appeared on Craiglist. It is under the form of a letter:

Dear Good-looking guys,

Thanks for ruining things for us average-looking guys. You, like all men, will tag pretty much anything female. So you go out to bars and other social venues and you go for the low-hanging fruit. You go for the average-looking girl. Why? Because they are easy and don't give you half the shit that hot women give.

So what's the big deal? The big deal is that average girls don't know their place anymore. They suddenly think that they are hot just because they have been banged by a hot guy. They are wrong, and they do not know it. We average guys, however, do know it. We know that the average girl -- in the long term -- is out of your league. We know that she is in our league, the league of the average. But she does not know that.

So the average girl goes on thinking she is hot and holding out for a hot guy to spend the rest of her life with. Yes, it's great for the ego of the average girl. She bangs a hot guy every now and then, and she really thinks she is the shit. No one told her, though, that any guy (hot or not) will bang any average girl. Sadly, the average women develop this "I'll never settle" mentality. Average guys are suddenly not an option for them, leaving us average guys out in the cold. The genuine hot girls, of course, are not an option for us, so that leaves us with the fat chicks. Thanks. Thanks a lot, hot guy. Meanwhile, the really hot chicks are sitting around dissing us and waiting for you to come talk to them. (And we can only imagine the torture that the fat guys are going through as we average guys are forced to mack on their women.)

So do the social scene a favor -- stick with your own kind. Leave the average girls to us, and stop creating delusions of grandeur in their minds. The average chick is our niche. We work hard enough as it is for the average girl. Now you go work hard to bag the hot chick. Don't be afraid of a little work.

Scary Face Email Joke - or Screamers

You can call it a scary face email joke or a random ghoul appearing out of a sudden, the truth is that it is called a screamer. We are dealing with a scary face that appears out of the blue in a usually cute and cuddly movie. It is all a joke, usually sent through emails. Well, the result is usually that the individual jumps out and gets scared just like in the following funny movie. It is a collage of people getting tricked by such scary face jokes:


It is hard to know what scary face prank scared these guys but the most popular screamer around is probably this one: