Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sex Jokes Again + Truths about Wives

Biology Class

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

What a wife says and means are different things:

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Multiple Pranks Compilation

Some pranks from Just for Laughs:

Multi Gags:12 - Just For Laughs - The most amazing home videos are here

Friday, June 22, 2007

Funny Photo Mistakes

Classic again. Some of the pics are very very funny. Worth a watch!

Photo Mistakes - Click here for funny video clips

Funny Tramboline Accidents

Some are classic some are not but you will surely have a good laugh:

Funny Trampoline Accidents - The funniest videos are a click away

Classic Computer Jokes

2 Programmers on a Highway

Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.

Apple Computer

Apple had a new computer under development. Their project name for it was "Carl Sagan".
When the real Carl Sagan learned about this, he was upset. He demanded that Apple stop using his name, even for their private, internal projects.
Apple agreed. They changed the name of the project to "Butthead Astronomer".


An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties.
"It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problem."
The computer scientist says
"It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

12 Days of Helpdesk

Original: "12 Days of Christmas"

On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.

On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.

On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A couple of Sports Jokes

Joke 1: A Golf Joke

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"
"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."

Joke 2 - Sex Joke

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"

Rabbit Breakout

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

Dane Cook Burger King Skit

Funny video of Dane Cook in one of his stand up comedy shows, making fun of Burger King!

Dane Cook. - Funny video clips are a click away

CSI Miami Comercial

Here is a pretty hot comercial for CSI Miami:\

Police Secrite - These bloopers are hilarious

Really Hot Prank

Comedy - Awesome video clips here

If Men Got Pregnant

What do you think would happen if men got pregnant? Here are some ideas. Jokes of course!

1. Maternity leave would last two years... with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

14. Women would rule the world.

George Bush and Dick Cheney Talking

George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me."
Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they're only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street.
Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See! This guy is really stupid."
George Bush agrees. "He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

National Poetry Contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Inspecting the rear axle

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Blonde Jokes - Again

Blonde Sky Divers

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Are You Really Sure

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Pool Prank

This one is one of the best pranks I have seen lately. Enjoy! You will surely do it to your friends!

Pool Prank - Click here for more amazing videos

Fly Up High

How would you feel if air blew under you and you are wearing a skirt? Watch different funny reactions and have a good laugh here:

FLY UP HIGH. - For more amazing video clips, click here

Great Funny Movies

Here are some great funny videos we found today:

Two Funny Dude - 2 Guys make a great and funny presentation.
Tigers Playing in a Jacuzzi - You can not get any more comfortable in a zoo
Chicken's Paradise - Funny video about chickens

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The Dumbest Blonde Ever

This beats all imagination. Watch this blonde movie right here. The recording is REAL. This is just too stupid.

Best of Stewie

Here is another clip from Family Guy, I just had to post it! The BEst of Stewie:

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

This is one of the funniest Brian moments in Family Guy. You need to watch it:

Pizza Time

A blonde walks into a pizza shop and asks for a large cheese pizza. The girl says:
"Would you like it cut up into 4 or 8 slices?"
The blonde says:
"4 i dont think i could eat 8."

We Found Another One

A family Doctor got a call from a frantic woman in the middle of the night, “Doctor; come quick! My son swallows a condom”. The Doctor replied, “ I’ll be there in few minutes”
While the doctor was getting dress, the women call again. “ Doctor, you don’t have to come now” The Doctor asks “Way? Did he vomit the condom out?”
“No” the woman said, “ My husband found another one”.

The Rabbi's Towel

An older Jewish man who was a long-time widower decided to remarry. Because he was quite well off , there were several young ladies in his village who were interested. He settled on the youngest and prettiest one. On their wedding night, however, the man had problems “pleasing” his new wife. Despite all the efforts he made—and they weren’t bad for an old man—his pretty, young wife just lay there as if nothing was happening. Perplexed and saddened, the next day the old man went to see his rabbi. Rabbi,” he said, “As much as a I try, I cannot please my new wife in bed. What should I do?” The rabbi pondered the question for a moment and then came up with this solution. “Tonight, have my son come to your house while you’re in bed with your wife, and have him wave this holy towel over both of you.” The old man agreed and took the towel the rabbi gave him.
That night, just as the old man and his wife were getting into bed, the rabbi’s son arrived. The old man immediately got to work on his wife. Meanwhile, the rabbi’s son did as he was instructed, and waved the towel over both of them. But it was to no avail. In spite of all the work the old man went to, and in spite of the holy towel, his pretty, young wife just lay there, exactly as the night before, as unresponsive as a log. After some time, sweating and exhausted, the old man turned to the rabbi’s son who was still waving the towel above him. “Give me that towel,” he said “and you take my place!” And so that is what they did. They switched places, with the rabbi’s son going to work on the old man’s wife, while the old man waved the towel above them. Well, it didn’t take long for the old man’s wife’s attitude to change. Soon she was wailing and hollering with pleasure, as the rabbi’s son pounded away at her. And as the old man waved the towel above them he said, “ You see? This is the way to wave a towel!”

Poor Little Girl

One day there was a poor little girl. Her mother didn’t have any money to buy her underwear. One day the little girl was wearing a little dress and playing up in a tree. A priest walked by and looked up, concerned he called the little girl down and said: "Little girl take this $100 and go buy you some new underwear and a pretty dress."

The little girl ran home and told her mother what happened.
Seizing the opportunity, the next day the mother was up in the tree without any underwear.
The priest walked by and called her down and said:
"Here’s $2 go and buy yourself some razors!"

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Demetri Martin Funny Stand Up

I heard Demetri Martin some time ago and his jokes were really great. Here are two great examples:

Brunette Jokes

In answer to the previous post about blonde jokes here are some brunette jokes:

Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet?"

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their mustache

Q. Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
A. It doesn't show the dirt

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. Why can't brunettes `tease' their hair?
A. Because it's not funny

Some Blonde Jokes

Blonde Jokes are very popular and people always want to hear a good blonde joke. The dumb blonde is a concept that has been here for ages and with the invention of peroxide we have even more. Let's get a good laugh with these blonde jokes:

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

Monday, June 11, 2007

Very Funny George Bush Impersonation video

This is a very funny movie. A comedian is making a great George Bush impression. You have to love it!

More Lawyer Jokes

Here are some interesting question and answers lawyer jokes that I really liked. Hope you will too and have a good laugh!

Q. What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A. The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.

Q. What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
A. One's an arrogant creature that will ignore you contemptuously unless it thinks can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.

Q. Why don't sharks ever attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Here are 2 more jokes that are not Q-A but pretty funny:

A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run.
"You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exlaimed his friend.
"I don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun you!"

The next day a coyote came upon that same mountain lion licking a pile of dung. "What on earth are you doing?" the coyote asked in amazement. The mountain lion looked up dolefully. "I ate a lawyer yesterday, and I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth."