Sunday, July 29, 2007

Yo Momma is So Lazy Jokes

Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!

Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.

Yo Momma is So Fat Jokes

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

More Question and Answers Jokes

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.

Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.

Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!

God Jokes

God Joke 1

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

God Joke 2

Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes.

Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

More Doctor Jokes

Doctor Joke 1:

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."

Doctor Joke 2:

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

Doctor Joke 3:

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Doctor Joke 4:

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Doctor Joke 5:

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.


Firefighter Jokes

Firefighter Joke 1:

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

Firefighter Joke 2:

If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first?
The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.

Firefighter Joke 3:

A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."

"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"

"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."

Firefighter Joke 4:

How Firemen do it...

Firemen are always in heat.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen do it with a lot of heat.
Firemen find them hot, and leave them wet.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Sad About Lamp and Wife

“Why are you sad John?”

“Something horrible happened! A lamp crashed in my bedroom right on my bed, near my wife”

“And is she all right?”

“Yes, but my best friend, Max, is in the hospital now!”

Cannibal Jokes

Cannibal Jokes 1:

Q: What is a pregnant woman for a cannibal?
A: Kinder Surprise

Cannibal Jokes 2:

An American, a Russian and an African meet. The American says:
“Whenever we want a rush we go to a second hand car dealer and rent cars. After that we go through the mountains at over 100 miles per hour!”
“And where’s the rush?”
“One of the cars has no brakes”
The Russian guy then says:
“We do it differently! We take guns, put them to our heads and fire!”
“And where’s the rush?”
“One of the guns has a bullet in the barrel”
The African then replies:
“When we want a rush we go get some women and make them go for oral sex”
“And where’s the rush?”
“One of them is a cannibal”

Cannibal Jokes 3:

At a cannibal restaurant:
“I would like a plate of brain”
“No problem, we have missionary brain - $10 a plate, explorer brain - $15 a plate and cop brain - $50 a plate”
“Why so much for cop brain?”
“Do you have any idea how many cops we need for a plate of brain?”

Friday, July 06, 2007

George Bush and Condi

Here is a very funny videos of a montage of discussions between George W. Bush and Condi:

Bush & Condi - Click here for more free videos

Mama Loves her Baby - Durex Commercial

So what do you do when you do not have a condom? Ask Mama:

Mama Loves Her Baby - Durex Commercial - Watch the top videos of the week here

Words of Wisdom by George W. Bush

And he wonders why people think he is stupid:

George W. Bush - Click here for more blooper videos

Funny Clips

A montage of funny clips glued in one movie. Except to the one with the bull I thought all are pretty funny!

Funny1 - More amazing videos are a click away

You Know You Watch Too Much Wrestling When

* When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a "USA! USA!" chant.
* When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn't "play with the big
boys," and that she will never get past mid-card status.
* When you search and search the bible for the book of Austin.
* If you can actually remember Sting's last public words.
* If on a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown."
* If you quit your Job because you have to find your "Smile."
* When you're getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that
with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around.
* If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is
distracting him.
* When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast.
* When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle.
* When you rack your neighbor's dog.
* When you attend a graduation, and yell "Ooooooh yeah!" when 'Pomp and
Circumstance' plays.
* When you are involved in a bar fight with a guy twice your size and you
think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan death grip on him.
* When you put up your wife or girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you
* When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out in public.
* When you win an award and immediately spray paint "nWo" on it.
* When you rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny.
* When you begin to shake someone's hand in public but then hesitate to look
for the crowd's response.
* When you do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.
* If whenever you walk into a party you tell them to "cut the music."
* When anytime anybody asks you a question, you "grab the mike" and yell,
* When you die you mustache blond while leaving your beard black.
* If you keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches.
* After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then
after you raise both yours and your friend's arms in the air, as he looks to the
side, you clothesline him.
* If you wonder why Bob Backlund's campaign for the presidency never got any
* If you carry a foreign object in your underwear.
* When you go into work you insult everyone you see just to draw heat.
* If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a football game.
* If you loose a job, you change your look and name before starting a new
* If you suspect your best friend is just setting you up for a heel turn.
* When before a fight, you give away a pair of sunglasses to a kid.
* When you go to a funeral and assume that the deceased just lost a Casket
* When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
* If you paint your face and don't speak to your co-workers
* If you get into an argument with a friend at work and challenge him to
a loser must retire match.
* When you see a fight in the streets and call the moves.
* If at a ceremony at your work to give out awards to the employee of the
year, you "turn" and slam a chair across the recipient of the award's
head...then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about how YOU
deserved the award.
* If you wondered why Vince didn't borrow money from Ted DiBiase to
prevent WCW from "buying" its wrestlers.
* You refer to everyone you talk to as "brother."
* Your children are named Crippler, Hitman, and Hollywood.
* You get hoarse on purpose so you can sound like the Macho Man.
* You hold a wrestling tournament for an aluminum foil belt.
* You get kicked off the school wrestling team for choke slamming your
* You cried when the Giant went nWo.
* You took bagpipe lessons just so you could play Roddy Piper's theme music.
* You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
* You fenced in your bed, so it feels like being in a steel cage.
* After your parents ground you for a week, you refer to them as "heels."
* You dress your dog up as a "Hulkamaniac."
* You use the phrase "Too Sweet" more than 45 times daily.
* You try to impress your friends by telling them Bobby Heenan jokes.
* You think "No Holds Barred" should win an Oscar.
* Your greatest accomplishment in life is mastering the sleeper hold.
* You roped in your backyard and you get together with friends to throw chairs
* You requested "3:16" as your new license plate.
* You think a tilt-a-whirl looks fun.
* You put white-out on the faces of your action figures, and then draw black
marks on their faces.
* You give crotch chops to the opposing team during a softball game.
* You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it.
* Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner and
walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers.
* You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around and
clothesline them.
* You publish a shirt that say's, "Jay Leno 1-0 Who's Next?"
* Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might break if
you were to moonsault it.
* After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.
* You chokeslam your cat.
* You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her over for the three counts.
* Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
* When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to "Rest In Peace."
* You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.
* You walk down the aisle at a church giving high fives as the people hold up
signs and chant your name.
* You won't come out of your room until your parents play your theme on the

Some Sports Jokes

Joke 1:
A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach
said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no
bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"

Joke 2:
A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff.
'What we're really looking for here,' said the chairman, 'is what you might call
a "chief worrier"!
Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league
promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we'd be
prepared to pay £75,000 a year. Interested?'
'Certainly,' said the applicant.
'But - you'll pardon me for saying this, I hope - where on earth is Sheffield
Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?'
'Ah!' said the chairman. 'That would be your first worry.'

One Lawyer joke

Chicago sent its police chief, fire chief, and city attorney to a municipal
management conference in Indiana. While driving through a rural area, their car
broke down, and they sought assistance at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer told
them that the local garage was closed, and that they were welcome to spend the
night, but that he only had one spare bed. He told them that somebody could
sleep on his couch, but that one of them would have to spend the night in his

The police chief announced that he would volunteer to sleep in the
barn. A short time later there was a knock at the door. It was the police chief,
complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, and they
reminded him of insults that had been yelled at him, and he was too disturbed to

The fire chief stated that he would trade with the police chief, and
went out to the barn. A short time later, again there was rapping at the door.
It was the fire chief, who complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of
Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the great Chicago fire. He had tried to sleep,
but kept having nightmares where they were kicking over lanterns and setting the
barn ablaze.

The city attorney declared, "You two are such babies. I will go sleep in the
barn." Everything seemed fine, until a few minutes later, when another knock was
heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, they found the very
indignant cows and pigs.

Bill Clinton Jokes

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!

Q: Why did a Bill Clinton send an unsigned check for a hundred dollars to a
A: He wanted to make an anonymous contribution.

Q: Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?
A: Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.

Q: Do you know why they outlawed mini skirts in the White House?
A: So Hillary's balls wouldn't show!

Q: Is Bill Clinton heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual?
A: None of the above. He suffers from ego sexuality since he is constantly
screwing himself.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The Heavy Metal Parrot

Watch this parrot enjoy the music and watch him banging his head when heavy metal appears. Hilarious!