Demetri Martin Funny Stand Up

I heard Demetri Martin some time ago and his jokes were really great. Here are two great examples:

Brunette Jokes

In answer to the previous post about blonde jokes here are some brunette jokes:

Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet?"

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their mustache

Q. Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
A. It doesn't show the dirt

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. Why can't brunettes `tease' their hair?
A. Because it's not funny

Some Blonde Jokes

Blonde Jokes are very popular and people always want to hear a good blonde joke. The dumb blonde is a concept that has been here for ages and with the invention of peroxide we have even more. Let's get a good laugh with these blonde jokes:

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

Very Funny George Bush Impersonation video

This is a very funny movie. A comedian is making a great George Bush impression. You have to love it!

More Lawyer Jokes

Here are some interesting question and answers lawyer jokes that I really liked. Hope you will too and have a good laugh!

Q. What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A. The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.

Q. What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
A. One's an arrogant creature that will ignore you contemptuously unless it thinks can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.

Q. Why don't sharks ever attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Here are 2 more jokes that are not Q-A but pretty funny:

A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run.
"You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exlaimed his friend.
"I don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun you!"

The next day a coyote came upon that same mountain lion licking a pile of dung. "What on earth are you doing?" the coyote asked in amazement. The mountain lion looked up dolefully. "I ate a lawyer yesterday, and I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Marry a fingerstyle guitarist

Joke 1

A young, single woman is feeling very ill and has an extensive series of tests done by her doctor. After weeks of tests and more tests, the doctor calls her in. He tells her, I have to be frank with you the test results are not good. You have an incurable disease, and it is terminal. I would think you have no more than six months to live.
Devastated, she sobbingly asks the doctor, is there anything I can do?
The doctor says, well, if I were you I would run out and marry a Fingerstyle Guitarist ASAP.
She asks, How will that help my illness?

The doctor says, "Oh it won't help your illness;
but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"

Joke 2

A man walks up to a classical guitar recitalist who is sitting down reading music. Can you read this for me he said. Of course said the recitalist. And there goes the guitarist playing a nice Tarrega study. Then the man gives him a contemporary piece. He plays that as well. Then another piece was handed to him. He begins to play then complains of stomach pains. He later realized he had gave him a sheet of fingerstyle guitar music.

This kid really has potential

Like this kid is so young that his height is somewhere around my knee. Just watch him, he really has potential, he might hear of him in the future!

Screw HIM

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful tone. "You made a complete ass of yourself.

You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did, said Louise, "You're back at work on Monday."

Elderly Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Martha! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Martha turned to her and said, "Oh my goodness! Am I driving?"

Dynamite

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

3 funny Wierd Al Yankovic videos

You can not talk about funny videos till you see some of Wierd Al Yankovic. The first one is my favourite. A cover of Chamillionaire - White and Nerdy:





The second one is called "FAT", a cover after Michael Jackson's "Bad"





The third one is classic, "Amish Paradise" cover after Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise"

Pool trick shot

This is the most incredible pool shot lately with dominoes. Enjoy

Matrix Ping Pong

Here is one funny video I am sure you will all enjoy. See what happens when superheroes play ping pong!

Britney Spears Jokes

Britney Spears' husband, Kevin Federline, has his own rap album now. He works under the rap name, La-Z.

Q: What Do Britney Spears and Barbie have in common?
A: They're both blonde, plastic and brainless!

Q: What did Britney's right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing, they've never been together!!

Britney Spears is in trouble because she was photographed driving with her baby sitting on her lap instead of strapped into a car seat.
Child welfare experts say this is still better for the baby than leaving it at home with Kevin Federline.

Britney Spears decides to go out with her two new buddies, Shaggy and Craig David. They decide to go to the mall and thus enter the elevator to descend. Suddenly, one of them farts. Shaggy: 'It Wasn't Me' Craig: 'I'm Walking Away' Britney: 'Oops, I Did It Again!' Embarrassed by this predicament, Britney decides to make up for it by taking them out again. They catch a train and leave the station when, believe it or not, someone farts again. Shaggy: 'It Wasn't Me' Craig: 'I'm Walking Away' Britney: 'Stronger, Than Yesterday!'

More Blonde Jokes

Blonde Joke 1

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says "oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?"
The blonde replies "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."
The man responds "Huh.. that's interesting.. why did you name them such names?"
The blonde sighs and shakes her head "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??"

Blonde Joke 2

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.
It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"
She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"

Blonde Joke 3

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."