1 Joke about Incompatibility

Two wives were airing their troubles:
"I'd like to get a divorce," said the first. "My husband and I just don't get along."
"Why don't you sue him for incompatibility?" asked the second.
"I would if I could catch him at it," replied the first.

NERD Jokes

Ring around a neutron
A pocket full of protons
A fission, a fusion
We all fall down.

Truth and Simplicity are inversely related

Email or post, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not paying for the bandwidth. There it is: a summary of USENET in 14 words.

I am Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.

Music Joke

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"
"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."
"Spectacular!" the man replies.
"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo. We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo. Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit. AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

School Play

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be announced today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd got a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Let me kiss the breast for $10,000

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"

John Joke

In class, the teacher asks her students:
"Children, what do sheep give us?" - One student answers: "Meat"
"Very good! What do chicken give us?" - One student answers: "Meat and egs"
"Very good! Children, what does a cow give us?" - John answers: "Homework"

Sports Entrance exam

This joke was taken from http://www.ahajokes.com/spo07.html

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION

 (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient
Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature,
law and social conditions

-OR-

give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (please check
only one answer)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is
0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is
on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?
(approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north
called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called
George, the last one being George the
Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
 (a) Macy's
 (b) a 7-11
 (c) Canada
 (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory
of Relativity?
 (a) yes
 (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National
Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of
Dynamic Equilibrium

 -OR-

 spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story
building located?

17. Which part of America produces the
most oranges?
 (a) New York
 (b) Florida
 (c) Canada
 (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math.
If you have three apples how many apples
do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.)
stand for?

*You must answer three or more questions
correctly to qualify*

Texas does it a lot quicker

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

Man And Woman discovered

Man discovered weapons and invented the hunt, woman discovered the hunt and invented fur coats. Man discovered colours and invented painting, woman discovered painting and invented make up. Man discovered the world and invented conversation, woman discovered conversation and invented gossip. Man discovered games and invented gambling, woman discovered gambling and invented card guessing. Man discovered agriculture and invented and invented food, woman descovered food and invented the diet. Man discovered the woman and invented sex, woman discovered sex and invented head aches. Man discovered comerce and invented money, woman discovered money and everything fell apart.

Never star in a porno movie

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" “What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved... "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

55 Year Old

This 55-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says,
"You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?"
She says, "I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says,
"Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?"
She says, "Your name never came up!"

Never be a salesman selling vacuums

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Two jokes with Blondes

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."


One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for
speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down
her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red
sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the
works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your
drivers license?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away
the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling
for a
few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your
registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the
woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the
dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red
sports car?"
"Yes." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes." replied the cop.
"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff
back, and drop your pants."
"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and
registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another
breathalyser.

Relationship problems

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

After the doctor stops laughing he says, " Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress and as her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks:

"What the hell was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

Aphrodisiacs work wonders

An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just thething. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner...."

The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!

"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."

"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at that restaurant any more!!"