Joke of the Day - Politics in a BAR

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

Ray Owens Joke of The Day

The Ray Owens Joke of the Day website is one you might want to visit. Today's feature joke is: "The Top 15 Signs You've Lived With a Mathematician Too Long"

His cute habit of converting every number to base seven is really starting to annoy you, because he insists on doing it 33 hours a day, 10 days a week!

He has his graduate students working on reconciling your irreconcilable differences.

The first thing you think of when you see her bend over is isosceles.

Ask him how much he loves you and he responds, "Ok...assuming that love can be expressed as a derivative of existence, which we'll call 'Z', and desire is a convergence subset of physical beauty in the Heisenberg 'observ

During sex, all she does is complain about the "dynamic coefficient of friction."

You only celebrate Fibonacci sequence anniversaries.

You wanted a really bad-ass tattoo, and were momentarily torn between a bleeding skull and a portrait of Gauss.

Your husband unexpectedly comes home early from work and enters your bedroom just in time to see a man run into the closet; when he opens it, two men dash for the front door, knocking him over. He looks at you and says, "You know, if I were to enter the closet now, it would be empty again."

He almost has you convinced that the more negatives in your relationship, the greater the absolute value.

"If you shut off your spreadsheets at 1:30 AM heading towards the bedroom at 5 MPH, and I've gone to sleep at 12:00 AM after another session with my vibrator, what are the odds that you're getting any?"

When you ask where he's been all night, he refers you to the previous excuse which has already been accepted as a proof.

Every time you talk about your ex, your lover feels compelled to solve him.

Using only the Transitive Property, the Corresponding Angles Postulate, the Angle Addition Assumption, and the Angle Congruence Theorem, you're pretty sure you've successfully argued yourself into a three-way.

During a romantic candlelight dinner, you accept his polynomial ring.

You went along with naming the kids Euclid, Archimedes, and Newton, but there's no way in hell you're going to yell for a dog named "Immanuel Fuchs."

Visit the Ray Owens Joke of the Day Web Site by Clicking HERE

Joke of the Day - President Bush and Sex

Much has already been published about the sexual preferences and notorious behavior of former President Clinton.

However, little has been reported on the sexual practices of the current Commander-in-Chief. It has recently been learned that the President and Mrs. Bush only make love with Laura Bush on top since George W. Bush can only f**k up.

Joke of the Day - WIll he Jump? Blonde Joke

Our joke of the Day today is a Blonde joke:

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Square Dance jokes

Square Dance Joke 1:

How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eight. Square dancers do everything in groups of eight!

Square Dance Joke 2:

THE NEW SQUARE DANCE

Up With The Petticoat,
Down With The Pants.
In With The Pecker,
Everybody Dance.

Girls With Rags On,
Up Against The Walls.
Guys With A Hard On,
Promenade The Halls.

Girls Grab Your Partners
Firmly By The Balls.
Drag Him Down The
Length Of The Halls.

Make Him Holler,
Make Him Shout.
Put Your Pretty Ass
Up Against His Snout

First Lady Go
Second Lady Pass
Third Lady's Finger
Up The Fourth Guy's Ass

Finger Out
Promenade The Halls
Now Release The
Poor Guy's Balls

Then Down With The Petticoat
Up With The Pants
This Is The End Of
The New Square Dance!

Joke of the Day - How Many Sheeps do I Have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked,
"if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try.
"Your a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

Looking Good Joke

This was labeled as a looking good joke and appeared on Craiglist. It is under the form of a letter:

Dear Good-looking guys,

Thanks for ruining things for us average-looking guys. You, like all men, will tag pretty much anything female. So you go out to bars and other social venues and you go for the low-hanging fruit. You go for the average-looking girl. Why? Because they are easy and don't give you half the shit that hot women give.

So what's the big deal? The big deal is that average girls don't know their place anymore. They suddenly think that they are hot just because they have been banged by a hot guy. They are wrong, and they do not know it. We average guys, however, do know it. We know that the average girl -- in the long term -- is out of your league. We know that she is in our league, the league of the average. But she does not know that.

So the average girl goes on thinking she is hot and holding out for a hot guy to spend the rest of her life with. Yes, it's great for the ego of the average girl. She bangs a hot guy every now and then, and she really thinks she is the shit. No one told her, though, that any guy (hot or not) will bang any average girl. Sadly, the average women develop this "I'll never settle" mentality. Average guys are suddenly not an option for them, leaving us average guys out in the cold. The genuine hot girls, of course, are not an option for us, so that leaves us with the fat chicks. Thanks. Thanks a lot, hot guy. Meanwhile, the really hot chicks are sitting around dissing us and waiting for you to come talk to them. (And we can only imagine the torture that the fat guys are going through as we average guys are forced to mack on their women.)

So do the social scene a favor -- stick with your own kind. Leave the average girls to us, and stop creating delusions of grandeur in their minds. The average chick is our niche. We work hard enough as it is for the average girl. Now you go work hard to bag the hot chick. Don't be afraid of a little work.

Scary Face Email Joke - or Screamers

You can call it a scary face email joke or a random ghoul appearing out of a sudden, the truth is that it is called a screamer. We are dealing with a scary face that appears out of the blue in a usually cute and cuddly movie. It is all a joke, usually sent through emails. Well, the result is usually that the individual jumps out and gets scared just like in the following funny movie. It is a collage of people getting tricked by such scary face jokes:


It is hard to know what scary face prank scared these guys but the most popular screamer around is probably this one:

TurboTax The Rap Video

Here is another funny rap movie I enjoyed from the same dude as before with Happy Holidays. Hope you love it as much as I did! Well, you need to be American to feel the pain of this movie:

Happy Holidays - The Rap Video

Pretty cool and funny video. Some dude singing a song he composed called "Happy Holidays". This guy is pretty funny and he can rap so it is fun to watch. Interesting funny movie:

Beautiful - Fighting

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord, didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Hold It

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too."
The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Alright" says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."
The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Comin' right up" the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

Bent It

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Dancing Monkeys

Dancing Monkeys - Watch more amazing videos here

HMMM Cheating again

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."