Looking Good Joke

This was labeled as a looking good joke and appeared on Craiglist. It is under the form of a letter:

Dear Good-looking guys,

Thanks for ruining things for us average-looking guys. You, like all men, will tag pretty much anything female. So you go out to bars and other social venues and you go for the low-hanging fruit. You go for the average-looking girl. Why? Because they are easy and don't give you half the shit that hot women give.

So what's the big deal? The big deal is that average girls don't know their place anymore. They suddenly think that they are hot just because they have been banged by a hot guy. They are wrong, and they do not know it. We average guys, however, do know it. We know that the average girl -- in the long term -- is out of your league. We know that she is in our league, the league of the average. But she does not know that.

So the average girl goes on thinking she is hot and holding out for a hot guy to spend the rest of her life with. Yes, it's great for the ego of the average girl. She bangs a hot guy every now and then, and she really thinks she is the shit. No one told her, though, that any guy (hot or not) will bang any average girl. Sadly, the average women develop this "I'll never settle" mentality. Average guys are suddenly not an option for them, leaving us average guys out in the cold. The genuine hot girls, of course, are not an option for us, so that leaves us with the fat chicks. Thanks. Thanks a lot, hot guy. Meanwhile, the really hot chicks are sitting around dissing us and waiting for you to come talk to them. (And we can only imagine the torture that the fat guys are going through as we average guys are forced to mack on their women.)

So do the social scene a favor -- stick with your own kind. Leave the average girls to us, and stop creating delusions of grandeur in their minds. The average chick is our niche. We work hard enough as it is for the average girl. Now you go work hard to bag the hot chick. Don't be afraid of a little work.

Scary Face Email Joke - or Screamers

You can call it a scary face email joke or a random ghoul appearing out of a sudden, the truth is that it is called a screamer. We are dealing with a scary face that appears out of the blue in a usually cute and cuddly movie. It is all a joke, usually sent through emails. Well, the result is usually that the individual jumps out and gets scared just like in the following funny movie. It is a collage of people getting tricked by such scary face jokes:


It is hard to know what scary face prank scared these guys but the most popular screamer around is probably this one:

TurboTax The Rap Video

Here is another funny rap movie I enjoyed from the same dude as before with Happy Holidays. Hope you love it as much as I did! Well, you need to be American to feel the pain of this movie:

Happy Holidays - The Rap Video

Pretty cool and funny video. Some dude singing a song he composed called "Happy Holidays". This guy is pretty funny and he can rap so it is fun to watch. Interesting funny movie:

Beautiful - Fighting

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord, didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Hold It

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too."
The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Alright" says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."
The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Comin' right up" the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

Bent It

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Dancing Monkeys

Dancing Monkeys - Watch more amazing videos here

HMMM Cheating again

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

I want to be a lawyer

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

The Smiths Want a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Do the Pots

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the f@#$%^^ pots!"

I dreamt I Was

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

Cheating on a Blonde - Blonde Jokes

Quite a nice Blonde Joke:

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.

Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

Retaliation

In the heat of the game, one of the players threw a vicious punch the victim was all set to get -stuck into him when the referee rushed up and held him back.
'Now then, O'Hara! You know you mustn't retaliate!'
'Come on ref!' said O'Hara. 'He retaliated first!'

Golf and the Pine Tree - Sport Joke

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,
he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was
about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if
he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being
able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his
ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several
minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,
"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it
thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally
lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Professional Terms - Sport Joke

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver."

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, - "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

Grapes and Doughnuts

A doctor joke and a food joke, all in one:

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "

Some Salesmen Jokes

Here are some salesmen jokes. Salesmen Joke 1:

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

Salesmen Joke 2:

How do salespeople traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

Salesmen Joke 3:

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

Permanent Erection - Doctor Joke

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said
"Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said:
"the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."

Learn to Speak German - Nationalities Joke

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked.
"Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"
Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.
"Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."
The group became silent.

Liberal Democrat

Politics Joke:

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like their
teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with
the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because
I'm not a liberal Democrat."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "Why I'm a proud conservative
Republican.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy
why she is a conservative Republican.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive
government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are
conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your
Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."

I Bet You Are

Doctor Joke:
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says
"I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you’re always washing your hands."
"That’s very clever" she says, "I bet you’re an anesthesiologist".
"Wow, how did you guess?"
"I didn’t feel a thing"

How Long

Doctor Joke:

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist’s office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory’s gone. Gone! I can’t remember my wife’s name. Can’t remember my children’s names. Can’t remember what kind of car I drive. Can’t remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"

Toyota Rav 4 Commercial

Hope you like it! I totally did!

Poor Strawberries

Q) Why were the little strawberries upset?
A) Because their parents were in a jam!

Even the Pope Has a Price

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

The Diagnose it Computer

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.


He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:


Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Work Work Work

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...".

Clinton's Dogs

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President."

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"

George W Bush Imitation

Some guy imitates the president and he is doing a hell of a job:

Pablo Francisco - Ecstacy

Very Funny:

Late Night Show Top 10 George W. Bush Moment

Hilarious:

Refrigerator Man

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says
''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,''
the doctor replies.
"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,''
the woman insists.
''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

Jay Leno and Leo the Butt Boy

This was very funny, I laughed my head off. On the "Does this impress Ed?" part of Jay Leno's show this happened! By the way, it did impress Ed:

THe Real Garfield

A Blonde Woman at a Beauty Contest

I don't have to say anything! This is a simple question and yet listen to that answer. I did not understand anything!

The Young Businessman

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Just Take Some Aspirin

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colors. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

Two Drunks and a Dog

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

Blonde Driver vs Blonde Cop

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

Girl Scare Prank

Very Scary - Watch it till the end!

Girl Scare Prank - For more funny videos, click here

How Much is the Barbie Doll?

At a toy store one father asked the salesperson:
"How much is the Barbie in the display window?"
The salesperson answered:
"Which one? We Have: Work out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asked:
" Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the Others only $19.95?"
Annoyed, the salesman answered:
"Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, And Ken's Best Friend".

Emergency Exit

The question is: Would you use this emergency exit? There are big chances you would be better off with fighting the fire

Turning Angelina Jolie Into A Vampire

Here is a Photoshop tutorial that teaches you how to turn your favorite Angelina Jolie picture into that of a vampire. The result is pretty funny:

PHOTOSHOP TUTORIAL - VAMPIRE - ANGELINA JOLIE - Funny video clips are a click away

Painful but funny weigths

Weightlifting is not a sport to be playing with but it can be so funny at times:

Funny Weights - The funniest videos are a click away

The Orgasm Car Alarm

I do not know if this would help but it sure is a very funny commercial:

Great Car Prank

What happens when you come back to your car and it is not there anymore? You get mad but what is even worse than that? It's even worse when your car was there all along!


Cover Car - The best video clips are here

Yo Momma is So Lazy Jokes

Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!

Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.

Yo Momma is So Fat Jokes

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

More Question and Answers Jokes

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.

Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.

Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!

God Jokes

God Joke 1

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

God Joke 2

Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes.

Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!

More Doctor Jokes

Doctor Joke 1:

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."

Doctor Joke 2:

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

Doctor Joke 3:

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Doctor Joke 4:

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Doctor Joke 5:

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

Firefighter Jokes

Firefighter Joke 1:

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

Firefighter Joke 2:

If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first?
The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.

Firefighter Joke 3:

A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."

"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"

"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."

Firefighter Joke 4:

How Firemen do it...

Firemen are always in heat.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen do it with a lot of heat.
Firemen find them hot, and leave them wet.

Sad About Lamp and Wife

“Why are you sad John?”

“Something horrible happened! A lamp crashed in my bedroom right on my bed, near my wife”

“And is she all right?”

“Yes, but my best friend, Max, is in the hospital now!”

Cannibal Jokes

Cannibal Jokes 1:

Q: What is a pregnant woman for a cannibal?
A: Kinder Surprise

Cannibal Jokes 2:

An American, a Russian and an African meet. The American says:
“Whenever we want a rush we go to a second hand car dealer and rent cars. After that we go through the mountains at over 100 miles per hour!”
“And where’s the rush?”
“One of the cars has no brakes”
The Russian guy then says:
“We do it differently! We take guns, put them to our heads and fire!”
“And where’s the rush?”
“One of the guns has a bullet in the barrel”
The African then replies:
“When we want a rush we go get some women and make them go for oral sex”
“And where’s the rush?”
“One of them is a cannibal”

Cannibal Jokes 3:

At a cannibal restaurant:
“I would like a plate of brain”
“No problem, we have missionary brain - $10 a plate, explorer brain - $15 a plate and cop brain - $50 a plate”
“Why so much for cop brain?”
“Do you have any idea how many cops we need for a plate of brain?”

George Bush and Condi

Here is a very funny videos of a montage of discussions between George W. Bush and Condi:

Bush & Condi - Click here for more free videos

Mama Loves her Baby - Durex Commercial

So what do you do when you do not have a condom? Ask Mama:

Mama Loves Her Baby - Durex Commercial - Watch the top videos of the week here

Words of Wisdom by George W. Bush

And he wonders why people think he is stupid:

George W. Bush - Click here for more blooper videos

Funny Clips

A montage of funny clips glued in one movie. Except to the one with the bull I thought all are pretty funny!

Funny1 - More amazing videos are a click away

You Know You Watch Too Much Wrestling When

* When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a "USA! USA!" chant.
* When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn't "play with the big
boys," and that she will never get past mid-card status.
* When you search and search the bible for the book of Austin.
* If you can actually remember Sting's last public words.
* If on a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown."
* If you quit your Job because you have to find your "Smile."
* When you're getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that
with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around.
* If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is
distracting him.
* When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast.
* When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle.
* When you rack your neighbor's dog.
* When you attend a graduation, and yell "Ooooooh yeah!" when 'Pomp and
Circumstance' plays.
* When you are involved in a bar fight with a guy twice your size and you
think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan death grip on him.
* When you put up your wife or girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you
lose.
* When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out in public.
* When you win an award and immediately spray paint "nWo" on it.
* When you rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny.
* When you begin to shake someone's hand in public but then hesitate to look
for the crowd's response.
* When you do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.
* If whenever you walk into a party you tell them to "cut the music."
* When anytime anybody asks you a question, you "grab the mike" and yell,
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAN GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEE!"
* When you die you mustache blond while leaving your beard black.
* If you keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches.
* After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then
after you raise both yours and your friend's arms in the air, as he looks to the
side, you clothesline him.
* If you wonder why Bob Backlund's campaign for the presidency never got any
press.
* If you carry a foreign object in your underwear.
* When you go into work you insult everyone you see just to draw heat.
* If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a football game.
* If you loose a job, you change your look and name before starting a new
one.
* If you suspect your best friend is just setting you up for a heel turn.
* When before a fight, you give away a pair of sunglasses to a kid.
* When you go to a funeral and assume that the deceased just lost a Casket
Match.
* When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
* If you paint your face and don't speak to your co-workers
* If you get into an argument with a friend at work and challenge him to
a loser must retire match.
* When you see a fight in the streets and call the moves.
* If at a ceremony at your work to give out awards to the employee of the
year, you "turn" and slam a chair across the recipient of the award's
head...then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about how YOU
deserved the award.
* If you wondered why Vince didn't borrow money from Ted DiBiase to
prevent WCW from "buying" its wrestlers.
* You refer to everyone you talk to as "brother."
* Your children are named Crippler, Hitman, and Hollywood.
* You get hoarse on purpose so you can sound like the Macho Man.
* You hold a wrestling tournament for an aluminum foil belt.
* You get kicked off the school wrestling team for choke slamming your
opponent.
* You cried when the Giant went nWo.
* You took bagpipe lessons just so you could play Roddy Piper's theme music.
* You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
* You fenced in your bed, so it feels like being in a steel cage.
* After your parents ground you for a week, you refer to them as "heels."
* You dress your dog up as a "Hulkamaniac."
* You use the phrase "Too Sweet" more than 45 times daily.
* You try to impress your friends by telling them Bobby Heenan jokes.
* You think "No Holds Barred" should win an Oscar.
* Your greatest accomplishment in life is mastering the sleeper hold.
* You roped in your backyard and you get together with friends to throw chairs
around.
* You requested "3:16" as your new license plate.
* You think a tilt-a-whirl looks fun.
* You put white-out on the faces of your action figures, and then draw black
marks on their faces.
* You give crotch chops to the opposing team during a softball game.
* You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it.
* Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner and
walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers.
* You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around and
clothesline them.
* You publish a shirt that say's, "Jay Leno 1-0 Who's Next?"
* Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might break if
you were to moonsault it.
* After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.
* You chokeslam your cat.
* You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her over for the three counts.
* Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
* When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to "Rest In Peace."
* You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.
* You walk down the aisle at a church giving high fives as the people hold up
signs and chant your name.
* You won't come out of your room until your parents play your theme on the
radio.

Some Sports Jokes

Joke 1:
A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach
said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no
bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"

Joke 2:
A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff.
'What we're really looking for here,' said the chairman, 'is what you might call
a "chief worrier"!
Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league
promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we'd be
prepared to pay £75,000 a year. Interested?'
'Certainly,' said the applicant.
'But - you'll pardon me for saying this, I hope - where on earth is Sheffield
Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?'
'Ah!' said the chairman. 'That would be your first worry.'

One Lawyer joke

Chicago sent its police chief, fire chief, and city attorney to a municipal
management conference in Indiana. While driving through a rural area, their car
broke down, and they sought assistance at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer told
them that the local garage was closed, and that they were welcome to spend the
night, but that he only had one spare bed. He told them that somebody could
sleep on his couch, but that one of them would have to spend the night in his
barn.

The police chief announced that he would volunteer to sleep in the
barn. A short time later there was a knock at the door. It was the police chief,
complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, and they
reminded him of insults that had been yelled at him, and he was too disturbed to
sleep.

The fire chief stated that he would trade with the police chief, and
went out to the barn. A short time later, again there was rapping at the door.
It was the fire chief, who complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of
Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the great Chicago fire. He had tried to sleep,
but kept having nightmares where they were kicking over lanterns and setting the
barn ablaze.

The city attorney declared, "You two are such babies. I will go sleep in the
barn." Everything seemed fine, until a few minutes later, when another knock was
heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, they found the very
indignant cows and pigs.

Bill Clinton Jokes

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!

Q: Why did a Bill Clinton send an unsigned check for a hundred dollars to a
charity?
A: He wanted to make an anonymous contribution.

Q: Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?
A: Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.

Q: Do you know why they outlawed mini skirts in the White House?
A: So Hillary's balls wouldn't show!

Q: Is Bill Clinton heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual?
A: None of the above. He suffers from ego sexuality since he is constantly
screwing himself.

The Heavy Metal Parrot

Watch this parrot enjoy the music and watch him banging his head when heavy metal appears. Hilarious!

Sex Jokes Again + Truths about Wives

Biology Class

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

What a wife says and means are different things:

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Multiple Pranks Compilation

Some pranks from Just for Laughs:


Multi Gags:12 - Just For Laughs - The most amazing home videos are here

Funny Photo Mistakes

Classic again. Some of the pics are very very funny. Worth a watch!


Photo Mistakes - Click here for funny video clips

Funny Tramboline Accidents

Some are classic some are not but you will surely have a good laugh:


Funny Trampoline Accidents - The funniest videos are a click away

Classic Computer Jokes

2 Programmers on a Highway

Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.

Apple Computer

Apple had a new computer under development. Their project name for it was "Carl Sagan".
When the real Carl Sagan learned about this, he was upset. He demanded that Apple stop using his name, even for their private, internal projects.
Apple agreed. They changed the name of the project to "Butthead Astronomer".

Mistress

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties.
"It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problem."
The computer scientist says
"It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

12 Days of Helpdesk

Original: "12 Days of Christmas"

On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.

On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.

On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

A couple of Sports Jokes

Joke 1: A Golf Joke

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"
"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."

Joke 2 - Sex Joke

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"

Rabbit Breakout

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

Dane Cook Burger King Skit

Funny video of Dane Cook in one of his stand up comedy shows, making fun of Burger King!


Dane Cook. - Funny video clips are a click away

CSI Miami Comercial

Here is a pretty hot comercial for CSI Miami:\


Police Secrite - These bloopers are hilarious

Really Hot Prank

Comedy - Awesome video clips here

If Men Got Pregnant

What do you think would happen if men got pregnant? Here are some ideas. Jokes of course!

1. Maternity leave would last two years... with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

14. Women would rule the world.

George Bush and Dick Cheney Talking

George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me."
Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they're only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street.
Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See! This guy is really stupid."
George Bush agrees. "He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

National Poetry Contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Inspecting the rear axle

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

A chicken is a bird and a cow is an animal

Next Top Dumb Model - The funniest home videos are here

NBA Funny Moments

Here is a clip of some funny moments in the NBA:


Nba Can Be Very Funny - The funniest videos clips are here

Blonde Jokes - Again

Blonde Sky Divers

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Are You Really Sure

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Pool Prank

This one is one of the best pranks I have seen lately. Enjoy! You will surely do it to your friends!


Pool Prank - Click here for more amazing videos

Fly Up High

How would you feel if air blew under you and you are wearing a skirt? Watch different funny reactions and have a good laugh here:

FLY UP HIGH. - For more amazing video clips, click here

Great Funny Movies

Here are some great funny videos we found today:

Two Funny Dude - 2 Guys make a great and funny presentation.
Tigers Playing in a Jacuzzi - You can not get any more comfortable in a zoo
Chicken's Paradise - Funny video about chickens

The Dumbest Blonde Ever

This beats all imagination. Watch this blonde movie right here. The recording is REAL. This is just too stupid.

Best of Stewie

Here is another clip from Family Guy, I just had to post it! The BEst of Stewie:

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

This is one of the funniest Brian moments in Family Guy. You need to watch it:

Pizza Time

A blonde walks into a pizza shop and asks for a large cheese pizza. The girl says:
"Would you like it cut up into 4 or 8 slices?"
The blonde says:
"4 i dont think i could eat 8."

We Found Another One

A family Doctor got a call from a frantic woman in the middle of the night, “Doctor; come quick! My son swallows a condom”. The Doctor replied, “ I’ll be there in few minutes”
While the doctor was getting dress, the women call again. “ Doctor, you don’t have to come now” The Doctor asks “Way? Did he vomit the condom out?”
“No” the woman said, “ My husband found another one”.

The Rabbi's Towel

An older Jewish man who was a long-time widower decided to remarry. Because he was quite well off , there were several young ladies in his village who were interested. He settled on the youngest and prettiest one. On their wedding night, however, the man had problems “pleasing” his new wife. Despite all the efforts he made—and they weren’t bad for an old man—his pretty, young wife just lay there as if nothing was happening. Perplexed and saddened, the next day the old man went to see his rabbi. Rabbi,” he said, “As much as a I try, I cannot please my new wife in bed. What should I do?” The rabbi pondered the question for a moment and then came up with this solution. “Tonight, have my son come to your house while you’re in bed with your wife, and have him wave this holy towel over both of you.” The old man agreed and took the towel the rabbi gave him.

That night, just as the old man and his wife were getting into bed, the rabbi’s son arrived. The old man immediately got to work on his wife. Meanwhile, the rabbi’s son did as he was instructed, and waved the towel over both of them. But it was to no avail. In spite of all the work the old man went to, and in spite of the holy towel, his pretty, young wife just lay there, exactly as the night before, as unresponsive as a log. After some time, sweating and exhausted, the old man turned to the rabbi’s son who was still waving the towel above him. “Give me that towel,” he said “and you take my place!” And so that is what they did. They switched places, with the rabbi’s son going to work on the old man’s wife, while the old man waved the towel above them. Well, it didn’t take long for the old man’s wife’s attitude to change. Soon she was wailing and hollering with pleasure, as the rabbi’s son pounded away at her. And as the old man waved the towel above them he said, “ You see? This is the way to wave a towel!”

Poor Little Girl

One day there was a poor little girl. Her mother didn’t have any money to buy her underwear. One day the little girl was wearing a little dress and playing up in a tree. A priest walked by and looked up, concerned he called the little girl down and said: "Little girl take this $100 and go buy you some new underwear and a pretty dress."

The little girl ran home and told her mother what happened.
Seizing the opportunity, the next day the mother was up in the tree without any underwear.
The priest walked by and called her down and said:
"Here’s $2 go and buy yourself some razors!"

Demetri Martin Funny Stand Up

I heard Demetri Martin some time ago and his jokes were really great. Here are two great examples:

Brunette Jokes

In answer to the previous post about blonde jokes here are some brunette jokes:

Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet?"

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their mustache

Q. Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
A. It doesn't show the dirt

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. Why can't brunettes `tease' their hair?
A. Because it's not funny

Some Blonde Jokes

Blonde Jokes are very popular and people always want to hear a good blonde joke. The dumb blonde is a concept that has been here for ages and with the invention of peroxide we have even more. Let's get a good laugh with these blonde jokes:

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

Very Funny George Bush Impersonation video

This is a very funny movie. A comedian is making a great George Bush impression. You have to love it!

More Lawyer Jokes

Here are some interesting question and answers lawyer jokes that I really liked. Hope you will too and have a good laugh!

Q. What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A. The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.

Q. What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
A. One's an arrogant creature that will ignore you contemptuously unless it thinks can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.

Q. Why don't sharks ever attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Here are 2 more jokes that are not Q-A but pretty funny:

A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run.
"You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exlaimed his friend.
"I don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun you!"

The next day a coyote came upon that same mountain lion licking a pile of dung. "What on earth are you doing?" the coyote asked in amazement. The mountain lion looked up dolefully. "I ate a lawyer yesterday, and I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Marry a fingerstyle guitarist

Joke 1

A young, single woman is feeling very ill and has an extensive series of tests done by her doctor. After weeks of tests and more tests, the doctor calls her in. He tells her, I have to be frank with you the test results are not good. You have an incurable disease, and it is terminal. I would think you have no more than six months to live.
Devastated, she sobbingly asks the doctor, is there anything I can do?
The doctor says, well, if I were you I would run out and marry a Fingerstyle Guitarist ASAP.
She asks, How will that help my illness?

The doctor says, "Oh it won't help your illness;
but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"

Joke 2

A man walks up to a classical guitar recitalist who is sitting down reading music. Can you read this for me he said. Of course said the recitalist. And there goes the guitarist playing a nice Tarrega study. Then the man gives him a contemporary piece. He plays that as well. Then another piece was handed to him. He begins to play then complains of stomach pains. He later realized he had gave him a sheet of fingerstyle guitar music.

This kid really has potential

Like this kid is so young that his height is somewhere around my knee. Just watch him, he really has potential, he might hear of him in the future!

Screw HIM

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful tone. "You made a complete ass of yourself.

You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did, said Louise, "You're back at work on Monday."

Elderly Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Martha! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Martha turned to her and said, "Oh my goodness! Am I driving?"